Last week was really rough for me emotionally. BA did mention something about peace to me … He wants me to have peace in my heart and mind. In the past Teri has said things to me too about finding peace. I thought I found it in my place of work. It seems that I have not and it’s been disrupted. I thought I did find peace and love in doing what I do for 8 hours a day. It seems that I have not.
I said out loud that I am miserable. I said it multiple times to one person. That place is not where I find peace. I used to be happy there, it was my safe place. My place to find support, love and hugs from those that I shared my day with. Not anymore … Now it’s filled with angst and pain. PK isn’t there anymore. She’s there in spirit and prays a lot for me. J is there and she is the only one I find solace and comfort in. Two people can’t bring me peace. I have to find it. BCarr is gone and is the one who truly understood me.
I’ve finally said to myself that I have to move on. I need to do something that’s going to make me happy. I saw a posting for a job … I prayed for it. I pray that I still get it … When I think of this job I think of the future and how I would not need the UN anymore and how fulfilled I would be doing this job forever … That’s where my peace can be. I need to find it in my heart because the thoughts I have lately I don’t feel peace in anything else. I don’t feel peace in who I am anymore …
