Focusing …
A person can focus their camera on something so tragic and still capture beauty. That same camera can also capture something beautiful and capture its magnificence. That’s the beauty of cameras they focus on an object and with a snap it’s captured for posterity. Perhaps to be looked at in another time, shoved in a shoebox or scrapbook. We may not remember those snapshots until we revisit the scrapbook.
The important things are engrained in our memories. The small inflections that hold our attention and bring a smile to our face once we see them or remember them in our minds eye - a child’s smile, a waterfall, pets.
These images that stay in our minds eye remain there until we let them go. Either we forget or suppress these snapshots but somehow they are gone. They are no longer important and we no longer deem them worthy of taking up space in our memory banks.
Instead we replace these snapshots with others of more value and hold a special place in our minds eye. The beauty that those old snapshots once held are no longer necessary and no longer needed.
The items at the front of our memory banks are far more important than those in the shoebox. Once we revisit the shoebox we wonder why we even have these snapshots and why on earth did we waste our film - its preposterous!
All the new, wonderful, exciting, beautiful snapshots that are engrained in our memories are far superior and deserve to be held in high regard and encapsulated not only in our memory banks but also in our hearts.
Those snapshots are what our lenses should focus on, the details, the inflections, the beauty …
Happy Mother’s Day
To all the first time mothers, the veteran mothers, the mothers that do things even when the kids are not their very own flesh and blood, the step mothers, mother in laws …
All the under appreciated, hard working, busy, magnificent mothers that devote their lives to their children each day …
All the mothers that open their homes, give advice, fill bellies …
You are all amazing, beautiful, gorgeous human beings that nurture and love others with all of your hearts.
Mother’s don’t just deserve one day they deserve everyday to be recognized, applauded, pampered, loved, and adored.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the amazing moms.
Inspirational
Every person I get to know I take something from them. A small fragment of what they show me, how they behave or what their heart allows me to see. I take those things into my mind and soul and cherish it forever.
I have done this with my partners at work. I cherish all the idiosyncrasies they possess … I have grown to love these people that are perfect strangers that work beside me each day. Especially Brandon - my boss.
I strongly believe I was chosen by him to work at that store because of the path God has chosen for me. I believe in fate and I know in my heart I was meant to meet Brandon and take everything he has to teach me into my heart and soul.
He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I have learned so many things from him he probably doesn’t realize it. Through him I have learned patience, leadership, peace, calm and above all love.
I know learning love seems very silly but I learned to truly love what I do, to embrace the love I have for others and show them and tell them every day because of him. I have done this with my little family but I have learned to extend that outward.
I am so fortunate to have the opportunity to know someone like Brandon. It’s not everyday someone like him comes into your life. Sure, I can find inspiration in the small pieces of life that get thrown at me but to find so much in one person is truly a blessing. He works hard, is committed to his store and wants to nurture and inspire everyone.
Not many people take the time out to pat him on the back, tell him what a wonderful job he is doing, thank him for making the store a great place to be … But he still gives 100% of himself to that store each day. I have so much respect and admiration for him. He makes me want to be a better partner and better person.
Thank you Brandon for being such a great inspiration to me.
Mother’s Song
My heart is like a fountain true
That flows and flows with love to you.
As chirps the lark unto the tree
…So chirps my pretty babe to me.
There’s not a rose where’er I seek,
As comely as my baby’s cheek.
There’s not a comb of honey-bee,
So full of sweets as babe to me.
There’s not a star that shines on high,
Is brighter than my baby’s eye.
There’s not a boat upon the sea,
Can dance as baby does to me.
No silk was ever spun so fine
As is the hair of baby mine.
My baby smells more sweet to me
Than smells in spring the elder tree.
A little fish swims in the well,
So in my heart does baby dwell.
A little flower blows on the tree,
My baby is the flower to me.
The Queen has sceptre, crown and ball,
You are my sceptre, crown and all.
For all her robes of royal silk,
More fair your skin, as white as milk.
Ten thousand parks where deer do run,
Ten thousand roses in the sun,
Ten thousand pearls beneath the sea,
My babe more precious is to me.
Fluppy has been very loved.
He was bought before Michaela was born. He used to stand. He used to be fluffy and white.
He is Michaela’s favorite stuffed animal. She took him everywhere. She says she loves him because he smells like home. He comforts her soothes her mind and helps her sleep.
He is now 9 years old. He is flat, can’t stand. He is missing his tongue and ear. He has holes and is dirty.
Michaela still loves him and never wants to let him go.
Peace
Last week was really rough for me emotionally. BA did mention something about peace to me … He wants me to have peace in my heart and mind. In the past Teri has said things to me too about finding peace. I thought I found it in my place of work. It seems that I have not and it’s been disrupted. I thought I did find peace and love in doing what I do for 8 hours a day. It seems that I have not.
I said out loud that I am miserable. I said it multiple times to one person. That place is not where I find peace. I used to be happy there, it was my safe place. My place to find support, love and hugs from those that I shared my day with. Not anymore … Now it’s filled with angst and pain. PK isn’t there anymore. She’s there in spirit and prays a lot for me. J is there and she is the only one I find solace and comfort in. Two people can’t bring me peace. I have to find it. BCarr is gone and is the one who truly understood me.
I’ve finally said to myself that I have to move on. I need to do something that’s going to make me happy. I saw a posting for a job … I prayed for it. I pray that I still get it … When I think of this job I think of the future and how I would not need the UN anymore and how fulfilled I would be doing this job forever … That’s where my peace can be. I need to find it in my heart because the thoughts I have lately I don’t feel peace in anything else. I don’t feel peace in who I am anymore …
The Best
I have the incessant need to be the best in everything I do. This is not problematic and there is nothing wrong with wanting to overachieve or reach your highest possible potential. I always pride myself on being the best in my family life, work life, education etc. I always challenge myself and feel I give my best efforts.
At work I was told it takes about 4 months before things start to “click” … ahem … it didn’t take me that long. There is something in my brain that makes me want to push myself to be the absolute best and learn very quickly which then makes people say “wow she’s fast.”
In my internship one particular worker was always caught up on her piles of cases because I challenged myself to get them done. I felt terrible when I walked into her office and saw countless piles of files and paperwork that needed to be inputted. I’m fast and efficient … I can’t help it.
When I set my mind to do something I do it. I’ve tried to explain to a few people how my brain works. All my sense come together - sight, smell, touch … everything about what I’m doing makes sense and makes me push harder to achieve the best possible results I can gain.
Sadly, what goes up must come down … If I’m not the best I take it personally and sulk about it. I get upset and it makes me feel as though I’ve failed and I am inadequate. Something that takes BA 26 minutes to do takes me 34! The ridiculous thing is … its minutes! It’s not the end of the world but I want to be the best! When something like this happens I think obsessively about how I can change, move or hear things better so I can be better.
It’s exhausting … being the best … or trying to at least …
Therapy
I never thought I’d see the day …
Never Again - Justin Timberlake
Would have given up my life for you
Guess it’s true what they say about love
It’s blind
Girl, you lied straight to my face
Looking in my eyes
And I believed you ‘cause I loved you more than life
And all you had to do
Was apologize
You didn’t say you’re sorry
I don’t understand
You don’t care that you hurt me
And now I’m half the man
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn’t love me enough
My heart may never mend
And you’ll never get to love me, again
Sadness has me at the end of the line
Helpless watched you break this heart of mine
And loneliness only wants you back here with me
Common sense knows that you’re not good enough for me
And all you had to do
Was apologize, and mean it
But you didn’t say you’re sorry
I don’t understand
You don’t care that you hurt me
And now I’m half the man
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn’t love me enough
My heart may never mend
And you’ll never get to love me
I wish like hell I could go back in time
Maybe then I could see how
Forgiveness says that I should give you one more try
But it’s too late, it’s over now
You didn’t say you’re sorry
I don’t understand
You don’t care that you hurt me
And now I’m half the man
That I used to be when it was you and me
You didn’t love me enough
My heart may never mend
And you’ll never get to love me
Again
Again, yeah, yeah
Again, again, again, yeah, yeah, yeah
Never get to love me
